Pilgrimage to Santiago

Days Passed Don't Return (video)

2009-04-06T17:32:00.000-07:00

A short documentary about an encounter with an old man along the ancient pilgrims route of El Camino De Santiago, Spain(St. James' Way).

By Marcel Baaijens.
Duration 2:46 minutes.
Spanish with English subtitles

Introduction

2006-10-31T13:34:00.000-08:00

On the 9th September 2006 I headed for St. Jean Pied de Port, a small town in the French Pyrenees, to walk 764 km to Santiago De Compostella in western Spain. This walk is an ancient catholic pilgrimage walked by thousands for religious, spiritual and/or recreational reasons. I had 38 days to get there.

Walking that far is not quite recreation for me, neither am I a practicing catholic, but I did hope that walking ‘El Camino’ would somehow bring spiritual and transformational benefits. I had no idea what those benefits would be, if and how they would eventuate.

For the next 38 days I will publish one post each day about my experience of being on ‘El Camino’. I will attempt to convey my experience using text and images of video stills and soft pastel drawings made during the 38 days that I was on my way to the bones of Saint James.

Marcel Baaijens

1/38 Santiago Calling

2006-10-30T01:38:00.000-08:00

One day I was explaining a to a fellow traveller that I was about to venture out into the world on a journey that I had just called ‘A Pilgrimage in Search of Self’. “Have you heard about a pilgrimage called ‘El Camino De Santiago’?” she asked. “No”, I said. “And I am not going on a religious pilgrimage”, I added hastily. The next day, just as I was about to lie in the sun and listen to some music, my minds eye began to see what seemed like a dream yet I was fully awake and aware.

Still from video: Cathedral of Santiago, Spain

I saw myself walking towards the dark silhouette of huge church with three windows lit. A sense arose that I had arrived at a very sacred destination after a very long and difficult journey, and feelings of overwhelming awe, relief, privilege, sadness and letting go. The emotions triggered actual sobbing from the depth of my being just as a nightmare can make you sweat and scream. “How strange”, I thought.

Still from video: Lourdes, France

The day after that, the ‘daydream’ was still puzzling me. I decided to check out the pilgrimage the fellow traveller mentioned. I vaguely remembered the name and searched the web. As a site opened with the image of the cathedral of Santiago de Compostella I could barely believe my eyes. The similarities between the image in my ‘daydream’ and the cathedral of Santiago were too close for comfort. The feelings I experienced during the ‘daydream’ immediately returned. I became aware of the pattern, took notice and I decided to accept the direction I received and begin my sabbatical with walking 764 km of El Camino de Santiago, The Way of St. James

Still from video: Sculpture of St.James along El Camino

I was raised in a catholic family, but I do not regard myself a catholic. If I look to a religion or philosophy for inspiration it is Buddhism rather than Christianity. Yet the more I thought about walking El Camino, the more appropriate it seemed to begin my ‘journey’ in the Pyrenees and walk to the bones of Santiago (Spanish for Saint James).

Still from video: Crypt where the bones of St. James are kept.

Saint James is one of the twelve apostles and a cousin of Jesus of Nazareth. It is said that he was buried in the north of Spain and that his bones are now resting in the crypt of the cathedral of Santiago de Compostella, Galicia, Spain. When his bones were rediscovered in medieval times it triggered a flood of pilgrims that never stopped. Albergues (inns) and hospitals for pilgrims were set up along the way to support the pilgrims.

2/38 Getting close, and yet...

2006-10-30T01:37:00.000-08:00

On the 9th of September I boarded a plane in Amsterdam heading for Pau in the south of France. I planned to get to St. Jean Pied de Port, the starting point of Camino Frances. But all was not well. In fact I had been very ill for the last few days with glandular fever like symptoms. The fever would come in the afternoons and ease again in the evenings if I rested enough. When present it would sap all energy out of my body and make my legs feel like jelly.

I was anxious about going yet I did not want to abort my plans. Getting to the airport had strained my body. Feverishly I arrived in Pau. Once there I discovered that was too late to get to St. Jean Pied de Port, which could only be reached via a long detour via the coast. I needed to come up with an alternative plan. I was unable to begin a strenuous walk in the mountains anyway.

What now? I tried to remember what kind of support I would seek back home in times of poor health, and how I could find similar support in a strange town in France. As I was trying to figure that out I overheard someone asking the lady at Information for directions to Lourdes. A train would only take one hour and cost seven euro’s. Hmmm, it sounded like an attractive alternative to staying in this town full of Dutch tourists, but will it be a good place to heal myself? The fever slowed down my thinking and I remembered an event I attended before I left New Zealand about healing and water.

It was a presentation by Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto about his experiments with water. I had seen his work previously in the movie “What the Bleep…” He had photographed frozen water and discovered that polluted water or water exposed to negative words forms incomplete, asymmetrical and dull crystals and that water from natural springs and water exposed to loving words (such as prayers) forms brilliant, complex and colourful crystals.

The water in Lourdes is spring water and is constantly exposed to loving, positive words through prayer. Tens of thousands visit the spring each day and, most likely unknowingly, energise the water with their prayers. Maybe I do not have to consider believing in the famous miracle that is said to have happened there in order to benefit from a visit to Lourdes and get well. Maybe all I have to do is trust the healing power of water and go there with intend and focus to get well again.

Despite many negative reports about Lourdes about its ugly commercial side I decided to tag myself to the three people from my flight that were heading for Lourdes. We had to rush to catch a waiting train. With no time to buy a ticket and no inspector checking for tickets we had a free ride to Lourdes. As usual my fever was not affecting me that evening and I was able to go down to the sanctuary that night and watch the Marian candlelight procession.

3/38 Obstructing Clutter

2006-10-30T01:36:00.000-08:00

Video still: Marian Procession, people clinging to their individual, group or national identity and pride in the sanctuary.

Last year I went to the area in India where H.H. The Dalai Lama resides. At first I only saw nothing but the commercial clutter of the town. On the third day I was finally able to connect to the essence and all the clutter and distractions were no longer an obstacle. Because of that experience in India I came to Lourdes prepared. I was able to ignore the commercial and even the religious clutter surrounding the Lourdes Sanctuary from the moment I got there. The connection with the essence of Lourdes was instant. I can understand why so many people dislike Lourdes.

Video still: Marian Procession

This day brought a surprise. The Opera of Napoli was in Lourdes on pilgrimage and gave a free concert that night in the church. It was just fabulous. The singing and music touched the core of my bones. Many pilgrims were very busy being busy, and never realised what a gift this performance was. Some even walked out without having enjoyed as much as a note.
Video stills: bored in the face of Light.

4/38 Daily Dose

2006-10-30T01:35:00.000-08:00

Mornings
Gather food
Nurture body
Video still: Lourdes

Afternoons
Sleep
Heal body
Video still: Lourdes

Evenings
Film
Observe Essence
Video still: Lourdes

Nights
Drink
Absorb Essence
Video still: Lourdes

Inbetween
I
Try to figure out
An effortless way
To reach
El Camino
I
Am not succesful
At all
Maybe
I
Am not done
With Daily Dose

5/38 Daily Charge

2006-10-30T01:34:00.000-08:00

Earth
Video still: Lourdes

Fire
Video still: Lourdes

Water
Video still: Lourdes

Air
Video still: Lourdes

Today
I
Found an effortless way
To reach
El Camino
Tomorrow
I will go
Video still: Lourdes

6/38 Singing in the Rain

2006-10-30T01:33:00.000-08:00

Where do I begin to tell about all the jewels that rained on me today?

Keen as French mustard I packed my bag. My initial plan of starting my pilgrimage in St. Jean Pied de Port was not practical. Crossing the Pyrenees on the first day would be tough. Not a good idea for someone recovering from fever and jelly legs. No bus runs the short distance across the pass from St. Jean in France to Roncevalle in Spain. I believed that only in those two places the ‘Credencial del Peregrinos’ would be available, the card that gives access to the chain of pilgrim inns or ‘albergues’ along El Camino. After four days of trying, I finally found an alternative way by bus to reach to Roncevalle.

8:35 a.m., gare de Lourdes. Ready to catch the train, but no such thing as an 8:35 train. The next train is not till 11:13 a.m. Hmmm, what now? Co-incidences have been few so far, so I wondered what the purpose of this dis-connection meant. As I contemplated the question an instant answer came: Hitchhike, as in: beg for your passage to Pau. Nice one! Where did that mission come from and why? Not to save money or time, but for the experience of humility was the immediate answer, just as Buddhist monks are required to go beg just like Buddha did. Teo Baba, the man who I am planning to make a documentary about, did the same. I had plenty of time and nothing to loose but my pride, and an 11:13 train as a backup, so…

Video still: Jaca cathedral

It had rained solidly all night and morning, but as soon as I stood besides the road to Pau it stopped. Many French drivers turned up their noses as they spotted me by the roadside. I did not bother keeping my thumb up for women drivers, not expecting them to pick-up male hitchhikers. I was wrong.

After about half an hour a Spanish woman picked me up. As soon as I got in the car, the heavens opened again. She asked me where I was heading and why. Telling people about El Camino immediately shifts a polite chat into a deep conversation, she in French, me in French-ish. It was a great ride. In Pau I walked the last bit to the station. It still rained but I was singing, elated that my jelly legs were firming up and my backpack was bearable.

Video still: Jaca cathedral

At the station I saw four people talking over a piece of paper, a ‘credencial’. Pilgrims! They had what I still needed before I could start walking. I asked where they got theirs as I knew of only two places, St. Jean and Roncevalle. “Oh l’Office du Tourisme in Lourdes” they said, the very place I went daily to try to find out how to get to Roncevalle.

My first reaction was damn! Why did I not get one! Hmmm, I recognised an old ‘script’ creeping in. I often have such a reaction, which make me feel inferior, inadequate, lagging behind and stupid. As soon as I realised it was a conditioned response it lost its power over me. I was able interpret the event differently and I no longer felt bad. Instead I saw the whole experience a blessing, as one of the many signposts pointing to El Camino? Maybe I had not missed anything. Maybe I was alerted to the possibility of avoiding a 150 KM detour to Roncevalle. An hour-long wait at the next station in Oloron may be just that opportunity to find a ‘credencial’.

Video still: Jaca cathedral

By the time I got to the tiny station of Oloron, I had totally forgotten about the opportunity. I went for a walk into the old town to kill time with backpack and all. It was very cute, even though everything was closed for lunch and it still rained heavily. Back at the station I realised I had misread the timetable. I had a further hour to wait. Good news or bad news?

This time I remembered the need for a ‘credencial’, no time to feel bad, time to head back into the poring rain, but without my backpack. A station employee happily looked after it for me after he asked with a smile on his face if there anything ‘ticking’ in my pack.

Video still: Jaca cathedral

To my surprise I learned that Oloron was a stop along El Camino! There was an ‘albergue’ here that issued ‘credencials’. I was elated, and I was singing in the rain again; ’Boem si li la, qui la lu, on tutu, Mama dit, Papa poe ala lure” (a cheerful quasi French song created by Dutch comedian Toon Hermans).

Oops it was getting late and I had to run the last bit to the station. I might as well have ran without my rain gear. The perspiration saturated me as much as the rain would have. The rain would have probably smelled better. Out of breath I caught the last bus to Spain. I was sure to have blown my fever fuse by running, but no, I was fine. As I was beginning to dry out, the window fogged over. When I cleared condensation with my sleeve I saw a sign with: El Camino De Santiago. Shivers! I was in a bus on El Camino. I was there. I made it, no need to travel any further. I found myself on an alternative route of El Camino from France into Spain. I was getting the notion that maybe I was being guided… by whom or what I don’t know, but not me, that’s for sure.

Video still: Jaca cathedral

Maybe another cue to practice surrender the need to plan and control my destiny. My mind took little notice and began to figure out where to start walking, knowing that I had ‘lost’ 5 walking days in Lourdes. Then it dawned on me that I could just get off this bus and start walking tomorrow and worry about making up for ‘lost’ time later. My objective was to walk on El Camino, what better time than now to surrender and start.

The bus terminated in Spain still high up in the Pyrenees just across the pass. It was not only still poring with rain but it had become freezing cold too. No way was I going to start here, I would get sick in no time and I had spent enough time in Lourdes. There was a connecting bus a few minutes later to Jaca at the foot of the mountains, hopefully warmer. I did not let that opportunity pass.

Video still: Jaca cathedral

I fell in love with Jaca, so cute, intimate medieval streets and squares with a robust looking roman cathedral. Tapas bars serving small, tasty snacks, were a welcome relief from the tastless ‘tourist menus’ of Lourdes. Tapas are the perfect meal size for a hypoglycaemics like me. Things were cheaper here too, making me feel less poor. The rain stopped and the sun warmed the last few hours of the day.

I sat down near the cathedral to make my first pastel drawing. The interior was equally inspiring. The solid walls and vaulted ceilings had witnessed, captured and radiated a thousand years of people’s desire to connect with the Divine. I took my camera and with the help of my lens I observed and absorbed, what seemed for ages, the essence of this ancient site of worship. Exhausted but very happy I went to sleep in the ‘albergue’. I was ‘home’, ‘home’! Tomorrow I can begin to walk.

7/38 Treasure Hunt

2006-10-30T01:32:00.000-08:00

Video Still: Trusted with the chapel key.

Crisp
Leaving Jaca
Yellow arrows
Brass scallop shells
Never lost really
Not a chance
They pretend
Not to care
Yet suddenly
Turn, point and say
“Santiago”
Some 806 km away
How do they know?
Why do they care?
Why do they give?
From their heart
A honk
A wave
A “Buen Camino!”
All must know
The potential of
El Camino

Video Still: water fountain Santa Celia

8/38 Albergue of Arres

2006-10-30T01:31:00.000-08:00

Soft pastel sketch: village of Arres

12 of us
4 nations
2 bikes
1 table
Cramped
Cosy
All night long

2 of them
Caring
Cooking
Cleaning
For us
For the privilege
Of meeting us

Who, us?
Collette
Manfred
Caro…
Names
With
Only one label left: pilgrim

9/38 Ruesta Ruins

2006-10-30T01:30:00.000-08:00

Video still: Ruesta

Too long
Too far
Too fast
For day three
No food
Till nine
Hypo’s* happening
All I remember
Is shaky blue
Inside and out

*see comment

Video still: Ruesta

10/38 Take Over of Overtaking

2006-10-30T01:29:00.000-08:00

Video still: El Camino mirror

If I was going to make it to Santiago
I had to change
My pace
And state of mind

The mind
Was not to be asked
Said feet
Touching earth
Long enough
To gather sufficient
Energy
To effortlessly
Propel the body

The mind
Was not to be asked
Said breath
Breathing air
Slow enough
To gather sufficient
Oxygen
To effortlessly
Propel the body

With brain sidelined
Body surprisingly
Glided along El Camino
Twice
The distance
Today
Brain surrendered
Into an unknown
Deep sleep

Video still: El camino mirror

11/38 Jewel in the Night

2006-10-30T01:28:00.000-08:00

People
Appeared
As I slept
Dead people
Translating past
Issues
Into present
Tense

Next morning
Still
Clinging
To my pack
Like a child to mother's skirt

I walked and walked
They 'talked' and 'talked'
Until
I opened my heart
I
Let them in
They
Let me go
To walk El Camino
A little lighter

12/38 Satisfying Perspective

2006-10-30T01:27:00.000-08:00

Fast
Flying over
Happy
Slowing down
Here
So happy!

13/38 Essence of Being

2006-10-30T01:26:00.000-08:00

Pastel sketch

With a noisy road close by and views of Pamplona’s brown smog in the distance, I was tempted to hop on a bus, and make up for lost time. But El Camino changed direction, revealing a little church on a hill…an Axis Mundi (a channel or conduit between divine and mundane realms), reminding me that walking well requires not only connection with the earth but also with ‘the heavens’ above. With that awareness I improved my walking another notch. The sky changed forever.

Video still: Eunate church

A little further I missed a vital Camino sign and ended up on a main road where noisy cars left little space for lost pilgrims seeking solitude. Just as I contemplated abandoning El Camino again, using the ‘make-up-for-lost-time excuse’, it threw another surprise jewel. A sign alerted me to a little domed church away from the main road. As I got closer I saw pilgrims. Hah! No longer lost!

Video still: Eunate church

As I stepped through the door… I lost myself for a moment or more, as if ego had gone for a walk and let me just Be in this timeless sanctuary of medieval simplicity. The moments of pure Being were interrupted when a busload of tourists gathered just outside the doorway to hear their guide regurgitate facts about the church. They all nodded, confirming they 'got' all that. So in they quickly squeezed through the door, looked around confirming with their eyes, each other and their cameras what their ears had heard. This wise old church remained unmoved by this tourist tornado. It remained grounded like a rock, guarding the essence of the site. It took me a little longer before I found a moment of Being again. If only I could be like that little church.

Video still: Eunate church

The house next door offered seven mattresses on the floor for the night. I was the last one in. Welcomed with fresh lemonade and melon I was glad I chose to stay rather than walk the last few kilometres for the day. Our host Jean locked the church and cooked a feast. After sunset he invited us back into the church. With the light of only a few candles Jean illuminated an Essence so pure, it send shivers up my spine like Kundalini energy. He sang an angelic Ave Maria that echoed right to the core of my bones where it got stored, and later released with each step along El Camino.

14/38 Water Channel

2006-10-30T01:25:00.000-08:00

Video still: Camino Fountain

From Eunate it was one hour to Puente Le Reina. There, the trail I followed so far joined the main trail known as Camino Frances. Well over 200 people a day were on that trail. Many get up at six, which is about two hours before dawn, to race to the next stop to secure a bed for the night. That did not sound attractive at all. I had been spoiled with solitude and familiar faces of fellow pilgrims. What to do? Continue or do the ‘catching-up-for-lost-time’ now? Now was the time I decided. With a vague plan and no maps or books to guide me I took a leap of faith and boarded a bus heading north in the hope to find El Camino del Norte, an alternative trail leading to Santiago.

After a short stop in Bilbao and a visit to the Guggenheim museum, I was keen to get back on El Camino and find an albergue for the night. I was directed to one but found it closed, redirected to the next, but strangely missed the bus twice, hmmm maybe not. Time to rethink my plan and maybe cover more distance by bus now leaving more time to slow down later. I had to go back to Bilbao bus station to catch a long-distance bus. With two minutes to spare and no time to think I quickly ordered a ticket, to my surprise not to the planned destination but to Oviedo, the starting point of a different Camino known as El Camino Primitivo or The Original Camino. The many changes in direction made me wonder if I was doing the right thing, if I was going with the flow.

I arrived in Oviedo at 11 pm, too late to get to the albergue, and looked for a hotel. The first one was full, the second too expensive, but after getting a pilgrims discount I decided to stay and not search any further. Just as I settled into my luxurious room a thunderstorm hit ferociously. Then I knew I reached the right eddy and on time, meaning I must also be in the right, albeit turbulent, flow today. Is there such a thing as ‘being in the wrong flow’?

15/38 Buen Camino

2006-10-30T01:24:00.000-08:00

Video still: Llampaxuga

Body parts hurt faithfully all the way, when one stops, the next takes over. Insects buzz around my head in various frequencies. Birds sing accompanied by differently tuned cowbells. An old man welcomes me into his sleepy village where time stood still. He sends me off with a big smile and a “buen Camino!” My soul is lapping it up. It is a buen Camino indeed.

16/38 Haunted Holiness

2006-10-30T01:23:00.000-08:00

Pastel sketch: Fresno

With plenty of time to reach Santiago, there was no rush. At the Sanctuary of Our Dear Lady of Fresno I felt compelled to linger. I took out my sketchbook and sat down to draw. The sudden ringing of church bells made me jump. Happens on Sundays, but I had forgotten what day it was. For a while there was not a soul to be seen, but slowly worshippers arrived from nearby hamlets and the priest opened the door. Normally I don’t go to church, but on this day I could not just walk away. After mass I was called into the sacristy where I received a card with the image of Our Dear lady of Fresno, and two stamps, one in my ‘credencial’ and one in my sketchbook. I left blessed with a “buen Camino”. Video still: Fresno

All that was missing was a cheerful July Andrews singing the Sound of Music as I walked over the hills into the small village of San Marcello. No one had ever told me there is a saint with my name. Unlike the many dilapidated villages this one was just delightful. It had to be, didn’t it! It overflowed with flowers in my favourite colour, orange, true! They must have known I was coming. With the cutest little chapel locked, no accommodation or restaurant to provide shelter and with rain pelting down it was impossible to draw or linger, so time to let go and move on. Video Still: Fresno

The next albergue was located in an enormous half ruined monastery. The gate was locked, it was till raining and there was no shelter. I walked into the nearby village to find a nice café to hang out in. There were quite a few, but none to my liking. The last one just had to do. I asked the bar man if he happened to know what time the albergue would open. You never know who might know. To my great surprise he handed me a key as an answer, da key!
Video still compilation

Many historical places along El Camino have a wonderful feeling about them. This one didn’t. A barking dog trapped in of the ruined parts echoed the unease that hang about. I tried but could not find the dog. The five pilgrims staying that night had the luxury of a haunted dorm each.

17/38 Pointing in the Right Directing

2006-10-30T01:22:00.000-08:00

video still

Only walked 10 km. I was very tired. Just before town a sign was saying albergue 1,5 km ‘this’ way, town 500m ‘that’ way. I needed food and reluctantly headed ‘that’ way, as it meant a one-kilometer detour to my lodgings for the night.

In town I saw one of the Spanish pilgrims from the haunted monastery getting ready to continue walking. Without being prompted he pointed to an unsigned albergue only 10 meters away, how did he know I was stopping so early in the day? What a wonderful surprise, although by now I should be used to receiving unexpected guidance. The albergue was tiny, a 6 bed basement dungeon with a toilet and a tepid shower all in one. Just like in the old days I suppose -minus the shower and toilet, they just stank all the way and washed in the last river just before Santiago. No spooky business this night and slept like a lamb.

18/38 Shadow in the Forest

2006-10-30T01:21:00.000-08:00

Video still: El Camino

As I started the day with a steep ascend through a forest, an unresolved issue from the past began to weigh heavily on my mind. Resentment flared. Anger re-fired the argument in my head. Do I dig deeper and support my ego or do I forgive and lighten the burden on my soul? Silly question really, with a body hurting like hell who wants to carry additional baggage.

This was a tough one though, a very tough one indeed. I walked and walked yet had extreme difficulty to find a way forward. Many times I put the issue in the ‘too hard basket’, but I was still the one carrying that basket. So out it came again and again until some hours later... a shift took place, inside me. Had I really managed to let go of the issue?

To put myself to the test I imagined myself meeting 'the others' in the street and see what I would say. Back then it would be something nasty, bitchy, patronising. Now I was able to say something kind, forgiving, humbling. The resentment was gone, the issue had lost its emotional power. It was reduced to a memory that required little space, weighing next to nothing, freeing up capacity to enjoy the fresh forest air.

19/38 Just Like the Weather

2006-10-30T01:20:00.000-08:00

Video still: Camino fountain

The moist forest preserved the morning cool well past lunchtime on this peaceful day. Apart from ongoing tendinitis I was doing just fine, just like the weather. I had an albergue to myself. After a nearby a farmer spread manure over his fields all the flies left too. A single cricket was all I could hear that night before I went into a deep sleep that lasted eleven hours.

20/38 What a Difference a Walk Makes

2006-10-30T01:19:00.000-08:00

Video still: top bunk view, Borres

Intense early morning dreams
Tired
Yet very relaxed
Much more so than day1
A definite difference
No innkeeper to chuck me out
Staying in bed
Meditating
Relaxing
Being
Another morning nap
Sipping water
Enjoying the sunrise
The misty morning skies
Letting the rain fall
Before walking
My Way

21/38 The Last Leg

2006-10-30T01:18:00.000-08:00

Video still: religious painting

I met a pilgrim today from France. He walked to Santiago from his home in Brittany and was now heading back, walking all the way with just a piece of bread for dinner. He was one of the few pilgrims I met who openly talked about his internal processes that walking El Camino had set in motion. "The way to Santiago is about the past, the way from Santaigo about the future" he said. I was not sure if I would ever make it to Santiago, let alone contemplate walking all the way back to where I came from (thank God I did not have enough time).

We met in La Mesa, the last village I reached on foot along EL Camino Primitivo. My leg was beginning to hurt so much that walking was no longer possible. With no traffic passing through in this out-of-the-way hamlet I stopped the only vehicle that passed that afternoon. The driver was very kind and took me to a main road from where I hitched a ride to the next town.
Pastel sketch, Santa Maria Magdalena, La Mesa

22/38 'Night Time Walking'

2006-10-30T01:17:00.000-08:00

Video still: Camino sign; the scallop shell, pointing The Way in Lugo.

I did not feel any better in the morning. Walking was definitely off the agenda, not just for the day, but also for the next few days. I took a bus to the city of Lugo, a bigger, more comfortable and suitable place to stay put for a while and rest. Lugo is an amazing old city that has a its entire roman city wall still in place.

Although I stopped walking, the processing did not. I had intense dreams at night still haunting my consciousness the next morning; a cue for the need to process. So it is not necessary to walk to experience the benefits of El Camino. Maybe the key is that one is on the way to Santiago with the intention of it being a pilgrimage.

Video still: persistant shadow in pursuit.

I believe my Camino started from the moment it presented itself as the vision that came to me some weeks before I left for Europe. It started to have a subtle effect on me from that very moment, wether I was walking, sleeping, flying in the sky or doing something else. It had become part of my consciousness. The effects definitely intensified as I got closer to El Camino just like a magnet.

So even while 'being stopped in my tracks' I am 'walking' El Camino, day and night. As long as I am on my way to Santiago, the 'journey' will continue. It was good to be in a room on my own and not in a dorm of an albergue for the time being, so I could process in private.

Video still: shadow snooping around the walls of Lugo.

In the old days, pilgrims were promised a reduction of their time spent in purgatory by half if they walked to Santiago. Was it a get-rich-scheme invented by the leaders of the church at the time? Was it medieval superstition? Or is there maybe some truth to it? How does a non-medieval-catholic make sense of it all? It all depends how one visualises or interprets the term 'purgatory'. First, I will need to let go of the my simplistic image of what pergatory is, which dates from my childhood, a time when religious education was as readily accepted as truth as the stories about Santa and Paulus de Boskabouter (a famous dutch leprechaun, who was my best friend).

Maybe it is a similar concept as the Bardo in Buddhism. Maybe purgatory represents the time spent after one’s death before recognising the tunnel of Light or Light itself (Heaven, Soul, God...). Perhaps that time is prolonged when unresolved issues are present and keeps one bound to the life that was instead of 'moving on' to wahtever you believe; heaven or reincarnation. Perhaps it does pay off to spend time with unresolved issues now, while being alive and well so you can die well without struggle when time comes. Is that perhaps why we get old and left with so much time to ponder? Time to practice 'letting go' of habits, addictions, mindsets, resentments, etc., before we die.

Video still: where there is shadow, there is light; Camino gate Lugo.

I just learned from looking at Wikipedia that in the west the word ‘bardo’ refers to times when the usual way of life becomes suspended, as, for example, while walking El Camino. It continues by saying: “such times can prove fruitful for spiritual progress, as external constraints diminish, although they offer challenges because our unskilful impulses can come to the fore”, well that's El Camino alright! I have heard people talk about the temptations of old addictions coming back. Some begin smoking again, other resist and overcome the addiction. Are the addictions any different from emotional unresolved issues? In a way they are all attachments to something, be it a substance, food, or the egocentered need to be 'right' about someting or somebody. My pilgrimage seems to provide a stream of opportunities to let go of attachments.

23/38 Tough (Chocolat) Cookies

2006-10-30T01:16:00.000-08:00

Video still: letting go of absorbed tears that mourned loss

A dream last night got me in touch with a touchy subject: the perceived lack love in my life. The dream left a strong emotional after taste which I took as a cue that it needed further processing. During an intense long process I became aware that my 'loveless' world was merely mirroring my lack of love for myself. I had been unaware and in denial for a long time about this. Deep down I must have know that something was missing as there was a need to consume comfort foods. At times I can reward myself with something sweet, as a one-off it will not affect me. This was very different, I stuffed myself with sweet stuff. I call it 'stuffing myself' when two, five or even ten cookies are not enough.

Letting ego spoil me with yummy comfort foods gave me a false sense of nurturing, of being 'nice' to myself. In fact I was slowly making myself very unwell. Eating sweet foods or simple carbohydrates is something I normally don’t do as it is detrimental to my well-being. It throws my bloodsugar levels out of balance, which causes, what I call 'hypos', a set of many unpleasant sudden effects caused by hypoglaceama such as; inability to think, overwhelming need to sleep, moodswings, even instant depresssion to name a few.

In Lugo there is a bakery next to a healthfood store. The choice is obvious, but ego can be strong and very convincing at times pushing Soul aside. This process required a lot of letting go and acceptance of the lack of love, acceptance of the loss of love. Once the process was complete, the need for comfort food was gone and making a nurturing choices was once again easy for the time being at least.

I had been so focussed on my emotional baggage thus far that I never recognised the return of my sugar addiction in the midst of it all. My ego came up with a splendid justification for my return to eating sweet foods again that I happily adopted: It was difficult for me to find the 'right', sustainable foods to eat, the predominantly white bread was equally bad and with the high burn rate of calories I thought I was getting away with it. I kind of did, as while walking I did not develop any noticeable hypos or effects, short term that was.

I began to eat quality, dark, low sugar, almond chocolate (I luvvv chocolate) but then moved on to biscuits as well; needless to say they were often coated in (not so high quality) chocolate. They did help to keep my energy levels up, and served as tasty emergency rations when shops were still miles away. But I continued eating them after I stopped walking. I had become addicted again. Hypos became the order of the day while resting in Lugo, as I was no longer burning the sugar as I ate it. Lugo was the perfect safe haven as it provided healthy food options that small towns often don't.

24/38 Worldly Distractions

2006-10-30T01:15:00.000-08:00

Video still: Lugo

Struggling a bit to rest and stay put when there is so much to explore, specially when you are within the Roman walls of a pedestrianised city centre where people have priority over cars. They have got their priorities sorted here! The city is throwing a party. It is their patron saint’s festival, a welcome distraction from all the processing I was doing.

25/38 Itchy Feet

2006-10-30T01:14:00.000-08:00

Video still: street party Lugo
It is not unusual for pilgrims to get stranded. In the old days there were as many hospitals as churches along the way, caring for the poorly pilgrims. The churches are still there, so are some of the historical albergues, but the hospitals are all gone. I suppose they would not be up to scratch anymore. The days of rest did my leg a lot of good but made my feet itchy. Tomorrow I will start walking again… the city was having a ball all night.

26/38 The Party is Over

2006-10-30T01:13:00.000-08:00

Video still: explosion in Lugo

Ready to walk again after days of rest. So I thought, so I hoped, but I did not sleep one bit last night. I had really bad abdominal pain. I felt like s..., which, now I think of it, had turned a funny colour lately. With most services closed because of the festival I took no chance, packed my bag and bussed myself to Santiago in search of an English speaking doctor. There was more chance to find one in Santiago, which gets many more international visitors, than provincial Lugo. The tourist information advised me to go a private hospital. It seemed a bit overkill, but that is the only place I could expect English being spoken. Within half an hour I was on a stretcher and not going anywhere.

Video still: drip

Drip in my arm, no more food and drink, not that I had had any that morning. The doctor had a very worried look on his face when I told him that my stools were black. It took a while to sink in that I had been loosing blood, for the last 3 days, and when you loose enough, you are dead! Dead! Who, me? My body? Oh… They did tests all afternoon and evening and took a look inside to see what was going on. By 10 pm. I was finally allowed to sleep for the first time in 40 hours. I was exhausted, no dreams that night, just sleeping and surrender to the medication.

28/38 Confusion

2006-10-30T01:12:00.001-08:00

Video still: Santiago

Surely
This was not the end
Yet
How could I walk after all that?
How could things turn so bad, so fast?
‘I’ was not sure about anything anymore
Indifference or surrender to Soul?
Doubting good
Doubting bad
Who is this ‘I’ that lost knowing?
Is ‘I’ crumbling?
Is all crumbling?
Is ‘I’ losing?
Is all lost?

Video still: Santiago

27/38 The Tide Turned

2006-10-30T01:12:00.000-08:00

Video still: hospital Santiago

I was woken from an unfinished deep sleep with sweet pastry and coffee, not quite an appropriate breakfast for a hypoglycaemic. I really had to wake up now and negotiate something more suitable with Spanish-only nurse. The next delivery, although it still contained sugar, was slightly better.

Video still: hospital Santiago

The doctor came and brought some good news. It was not as bad as feared and I could leave the hospital now, instead of staying all weekend. Medication would do the rest. The bleeding should be over in three days.

Video still: hospital Santiago

The tide had turned and washed me out the door and into the streets of Santiago. The surrender was over, I was once again responsible for my body. I strapped on my pack and left the safety of the hospital ever so gently. Suddenly I realised that I was at the finish line, but this was not supposed to be the finish! Finishing or not, walking through the streets of the old city was very emotional. I tried not to look at the cathedral, but I cried nevertheless, just as I had seen in my vision. The weather was very kind. The heavy rain made my tears go unnoticed.

29/38 Suspended in Santiago

2006-10-30T01:11:00.000-08:00

Video still: Santiago

Clouds touch the cathedral
Rain poring down
Washing my tears
I cried
So much
Lost
Left
Hanging
Suspended
Not knowing
Climb back up?
Let go and fall?
No vision
No ground
No net
I rest
Painfully
On one nail

Video still: a statue's rosary

30/38 In limbo

2006-10-30T01:10:00.000-08:00

Still hanging by one nail
Wanting to go one way or the other
A dream took me
Off the cross
To visit
The bones of St. James

Video still: Santiago cathedral

The tomb
Grieving death
Whose?
His?
Mine?
Which me?
Which life?
What is laid to rest?

Video still: tomb of St. James, Santiago

His altar
Place of sacrifice
Where ritual blood flows
Blood!
St. James
Slaughtering
Who?
Me?

Video still:self portrait

Damn, no!
Time not right
Not ready
I am
In process
Still
Living
El Camino

31/38 Turning Point

2006-10-30T01:09:00.000-08:00

Dream of yesterday
Willfully forgotten
Sick of just hanging around on a cross
I wanted Camino done
For real
So I thought
Who was ‘I’ again
Do I know El Camino?
Do I know process of shadow?
My painful script of lonely disconnection
Still harboured an ulcer bursting with anger

Video still: Crypt of Santiago cathedral

Stepping down into the crypt
I cry for change
I pray for life
For old to die
For new to begin
I cry some more
Oh, get out of here
Step out and let go
Let go!

Video still: Crypt of Santiago cathedral

Stepping up out of the crypt
The first shaky step
Back…
Into my script of lonely disconnection
Nothing changed
I steamed anger
I stewed frustration
My stomach hurts
No, nooooooo!
One ulcer is enough
Enough!

Video still: Santiago cathedral

I listen
Don’t give up
There is more to let go
Accept the blessings of time
Return to El Camino
I hear
Pain eases
As ego surrenders to Soul

32/38 If…

2006-10-30T01:08:00.000-08:00

Video still: St. James

If I were to walk again I would need to walk as light as I can. There was much to leave behind; my precious sketchbook, my camera and my need two do two-things-at-once (walking and create work). Would I? Could I? I had little choice. I had overloaded. No more drawing, no more filming, no more ‘work’, just walking and Being with El Camino.

One more thing, as if that was not enough, I was not to go back to Camino Primitivo, which had become a Camino “Privato”. I had to go back to Camino Frances, walk among the masses, become one with the river of pilgrims and end my self-inflicted state of disconnection. Only under these conditions could I consider to walk one more week. I had time before my flight departed Santiago, precious time to walk El Camino. Finishing was not the objective, however satisfying that would be, Being on El Camino was.

I threw out anything that remotely looked like excess baggage. I did keep my camera, after a fellow photographer convinced me to hang on to it no matter what. So I did, a choice that would come back to haunt me in a funny way. I bought new shoes, as I suspected that the old ones had contributed the tendonitis, enough of that. Bought a lighter raincoat for 10 Euros, but hung on to my newly acquired umbrella, with the option to throw that one out later if it proved too much. With my pack and provisions sorted I was ready to go back to milestone 111 and resume walking.

Where did all these directives come from? I don't know, I was just happy to receive and obey as it made sense and gave hope.

33/38 All systems go!

2006-10-30T01:07:00.000-08:00

I woke up feeling much better with a calm and pain free stomach. I checked my emails one more time before I went to the bus station. My house sale transactions were finally completed after weeks of frustrating delays. The road was cleared of all obstacles, I had cleared a lot of excess baggage, hopefully my body had had enough time to heal.

Video still: signing in at Sarria

By one pm I arrived in Sarria, the town where I resumed walking. I was looking for El Camino when a man came up to me and pointed in the right direction with a “buen Camino”. I was back! After one month of moments like these, his well wishes still overwhelmed me.

Video still: El Camino Frances

I could not believe how many hundreds of pilgrims there were out there. I did not mind a bit, it was a privilege, a very humbling privilege. The first night in a full albergue was just wonderful. I connected with quite a few pilgrims, who would become familiar faces from that day forward. I was given beautifully cooked wild mushrooms by a French pilgrim, a young German pilgrim allowed me to throw my socks in with his dryer load, met an English one with a most unusual name and a matching personality, another German pilgrim gave me natural clay bandages that cleared the last of my tendonitis without the risk of life threatening side effects.

It was raining all day, but I was singing all the way, so happy, no not happy, elated to be walking again. Walking meant celebrating not bleeding anymore. Walking meant celebrating life.

34/38 Lost and found

2006-10-30T01:06:00.000-08:00

Video still: Lunch with Collette

I was the last to leave, waiting for the sun to rise at about 8:30 am. After 100 meters I bumped into a Norwegian couple, the first fellow pilgrims I met 34 day ago as I left Jaca . He was having knee trouble and not sure if he could walk another day. Pilgrims have to give up at any stage along the way, the closer you get, the harder it is to accept the idea of not being able to reach Santiago.

I walked alone for most of the day in the river of pilgrims, but also enjoyed wonderful company at times. I can’t remember how I got talking to an Irishwoman but we just clicked from the first word and walked and talked. Nothing seemed to be in need of processing today, maybe just telling my story to others was. I was able to fully enjoy the walking and connecting with pilgrims.

A little later the most wonderful surprise walked passed, one that I had been quietly hoping for but did not dare to think out loud. I had just stopped for my pick-nick lunch as Collette walked passed, who had been such wonderful company in the first week on El Camino through Aragon. What a joy to see her, to be able to catch up with her. I noticed how she had changed, how El Camino had changed her. I could tell the difference because of the time gap. She looked lighter and brighter, how wonderful. It was also wonderful to see a familiar face and to realise that we could possibly reach Santiago at the same time. It gave me a sense that I had caught up rather than ‘lost out’. I felt complete, very content and privileged. That night I went out for dinner with Collette to celebrate meeting each other again in this river of pilgrims.

35/38 All We Need is Love...

2006-10-30T01:05:00.000-08:00

Video still: El Camino

The daily rain had stopped and was replaced by daily glorious blue skies and golden sunshine from now on. A song appeared in my head, an old Beatles song. It did not come out of a void, but out of a process that began way back in Lugo.

If there’s anything that you want
If there’s anything that you need
Just call on me
And I will send you along
With love from me to you

Not sure if these are the original lyrics, but this was how the words appeared in my head. The words had an important message. I was singing this song not as entertainment, but from myself, to myself, offering self-love and support. It may sound strange, but that was a tough one for me. It is much easierfor me to love someone else. To offer myself help and love was just too much to let in and I was unable to sing this song out loud with this context in mind. I just kept practicing and practicing until I no longer choked on the words and sing them out loud. The cows and trees were very kind and did not object to my monotonous practice of the same five lines. Few pilgrims passed, all too bussy ‘walking’ their own Camino to notice.

Video still: Open Door

There was another special church along the way today. It housed an unusual crucifix, which displayed Jesus with one hand up, nailed to the cross and the other hand hanging down pointing to the earth. The cross is an ancient Axis Mundi symbol that is seldom presented in that context in churches where it more often represents suffering. To see this one accentuated by the sculpture of Jesus on the cross in this position was quite unusual. That little church was humming. It felt so good to just ‘hang out’ there. There was something there that affected all who visited. I can only translate it with the terms ‘energy’ of ‘essence’. I don’t think it is related to the religion practiced there, but I am greateful for the catholic church to act as the guardian and make it available for all to ‘see’. The door was wide open. One priests stood at the door inviting pilgrims, while another explained tirelessly the essence of the site in multiple languages. I just had to linger there for some time and let the essence fill me, before I could move on. Like in the church of Eunate, time disappeared for a while. I have no idea how long I stayed there. It felt like eternity.

Video still: Axis Mundi

36/38 Kamerakarma

2006-10-30T01:04:00.000-08:00

Video still: before it stopped working

I was making excellent progress each day. I now stood a very good chance of making it to Santiago, but I did not dwell on that too long as that was tempting fate. Then I dropped my video camera and it stopped working, yes the one I was ‘advised’ to leave behind. How spooky! You can imagine all ‘if's’ and ‘why’s’ that plagued my poor mind for the rest of the day.

I needed a camera, I decided, if not for now, definitely for directly after El Camino, so I might as well buy a new one. With walking done early and with Santiago being only 18 km away, I took the bus and headed for the city to buy a new camera. It hurt my wallet. I could not find the same outdated model that I liked so much and had to settle for newer but less user friendly model that lacked a ‘faulty function’ of my old camera that I had fallen in love with.

Much later, as I was about to take my old camera to a repair shop in Slovakia, I recharged the battery first just in case and… it worked again! My jaw dropped open and I laughed. I now am the proud owner of a very expensive bit of excess baggage. At least I was spared a difficult search for a repairshop in a foreign city.

37/38 The Magic Moment

2006-10-30T01:03:00.000-08:00

Today was the only day I got up early and started walking in the dark. Not that I was in any hurry, but I was done sleeping and ready to go. With 18 km of walking left it was a very manageable home run. It was quite fun to walk through a dark forest watching pilgrims hunting with little torches for Camino signs.

Video still: city limits Santiago

As my mind wandered ahead wondering what walking to the cathedral would be like, I was jolted back into the here and now by a sign indicating the city limit of Santiago. I made it! I reached Santiago, not by bus to seeking medical help, not by bus to buy a new camera, no today was very different. I had come to Santiago on foot to complete El Camino an experience that I am still not able to express in words. My body began to sob from the depth of my being as I walked across the bridge and the city limits. A deep release took place, this was not some superficial little cry about a special moment. Oh sunglasses are such practical fashion items.

Video still: the last steps

Like most days, tears flowed quietly, tears of being overwhelmed by the magnitude of this walk, tears of relief, tears of release, tears of gratitude for the healing that was taking place. I have never cried so many days in a row in my life, I was wondering if it would ever stop or if I would become an emotional ‘wreck’ forever? Oops, back to the here and now as I nearly got lost walking through the outer suburbs of the city where signs are fewer and less obvious. The last two kilometres through the outskirts of Santiago were just long enough to complete the last bit of processing before I entered the beautiful old city. I walked to the centre of the main square in front of the cathedral to the magic 0 km point. Done!

Video still: filling the botafumeiro

I entered the cathedral, just in time for the last bit of the daily pilgrim’s mass. It being a weekend day, it was packed with tourist who were there to witness the swinging of the enormous botafumeiro, an incense vessel that is swung across the lofty cathedral from ceiling to ceiling by a team of men.

Video still: the botafumeiro

It is a dramatic auditory, visual and olfactory ritual filling the cathedral with incense while a nun sings angelically and the organ plays full blast, enough to quiver any emotionally charged and physically exhausted pilgrim to tears. People clap at the end as if they watched a trapeze artiste in action. Cameras flash at the botafumeiro like paparazzi at a superstar. I was filming too of course, just like everyone else, including one of the officiating priests. I had difficulty holding my camera still though. Unexplainable emotions were sobbing their way out of my body.

Video still: the botafumeiro

Maybe the swinging of this enormous vessel to these dazzling heights with amazing precision (it misses the ceilings only by a few inches) sums up the overwhelming experience of El Camino. Something so simple yet so grand, full of spectacular religion yet so down to earth spiritual, full of drama yet so humbling, full of pain yet so healing, full of people yet filled with Devine solitude. Maybe this is the most fitting show the Catholic Church could stage that is within its rules to honour and sum up the pilgrim’s experience. Why it is only done at weekends I don’t know, as pilgrims arriving on weekdays deserve the same grand finale.

Video still: altar statue of St. James, people hug the statue from behind, a strange way to hug someone, let alone a statue.

Three further acts are expected from pilgrims; 1) The touching of a pillar in the Portico de la Gloria with your hand below a statue of St. James, symbolising placing yourself under the protection of St. James and touch the stone head at the back of the pillar representing the sculptor in the wish go attain a fraction of his wisdom, 2) hug St. James’ statue at the main altar from behind, 3) visit his tomb in the crypt. After that one can go to the pilgrims office to receive the Compostella, the official certificate granted by the cathedral chapter, proof that one has walked at least 100 or more kilometers of El Camino de Santiago. I think I have done about 400, just over half of 764 I intended to walk.

Video still: the botafumeiro

With duties done, I began to wonder if any familiar faces from the journey made it too. It didn’t take long to find them or for them to find me. A city, so far from home, had become a meeting ground of familiar faces, exchanging hugs, kisses, well-deserved praises and congratulations. Tears of joy, relief and sadness flow as the journey is now over.

Video still: reunions all day and night in cathedral square

38/38 Sunday, a Day of Rest.

2006-10-30T01:02:00.000-08:00

Video still: Cathedral square

The albergue is located on a ridge from which there is a great view of the old city situated on another ridge. It reminded me of the view from the garden of Gethsemane of Jerusalem. The similarities do not stop there. Both cities are very special places with a unique sacred essence. It is sad to see that people justify fighting over control of a city like Jerusalem in the name of religion. Luckily Santiago can be enjoyed in peace. On a beautiful day like today Santiago radiates just that, peace, maybe I am just looking at a mirror again but it feels good to be in this city.

Video still: Cathedral square

Today I went back to the church for the complete pilgrims mass. It was also another opportunity to film the swinging of the botafumeiro, hopefully without shaking hands. As I walked into the cathedral I spotted Collette. What a joy and privilege to see her here today. She had been a witness to my journey from the start, seeing her again here in the Cathedral meant a lot. You expect and hope to see the familiar faces from the Camino in Santiago but not everyone makes it, some pilgrims I walked alongside sadly didn’t. I was one of the lucky ones.

Video still: Cathedral square

We sat down early and took up the front row seats for the pilgrim’s mass. Today a list would be read with the number of pilgrims and their country of origin that had arrived in the last 24 hours. “Nueva Zelanda... uno”.

Pilgrims come from all over the world. The cathedral was again filled to maximum capacity with barely room stand let alone move. Quite a magnet this place, and justifiably so. Next to me sat a 20 year-old kid from The Netherlands. He had walked non-stop all the way from his home in 3,5 months.

Video still: Marcel and Collette

Many pilgrims return again and again to the square in front of the cathedral. People party, celebrate and gaze. They gaze in awe at the building and contemplate the significance of this moment of the pilgrimage for this is it, kilometer zero. The turning point from where the journey home begins.

Video still: Marcel and Collette

I began to look forward to come out of the longest therapy session of my life. One hears about the effect El Camino has on people and I wished to have such an experience. I sure got what I bargained for.

As the sun went down, the air cooled, but the old stonewalls continued to warm the city, radiating the solar gain from the day. It has been a glorious day; the weather, the people, the city and joy of having made it and the satisfaction that came with it.

Video still: Time to say goodbye

The next day I woke up feeling very grounded. Thank God I was no longer in process. It felt like going back to work on a sobering Monday morning. The last two days in Santiago were crucial to provide much needed closure. I was ready to move on and felt no longer a pilgrim. Some walk home, some continue to walk to Finistere (the end of the world), the most western point of Europe. I took a plane to the next destination on my journey of which El Camino was only the beginning.

Mission (vision) accomplished

With this post I have reached the end of my Camino Blog. My journey continues for the rest of my life, I am very much aware of that. El Camino was only one chapter, quite an intense one. The next destination of my journey is the small village of Sturovo in Slovakia from where I have been working on this blog. My stay there brings with it a new set of challenges. Spiritually it seems a much tougher chapter than El Camino so far. I can no longer rely on yellow signs pointing me in the right direction. I am thrown back into the deep end, having to learn how to swim in a new way it seems, or have I forgotten that all I need to do is float, and go with the flow. Maybe I haven't recognised the flow of Sturovo yet.

I will continue posting on my main blog http://marcel-baaijens.blogspot.com regularly. If you are interested, please come along. Thank you very much for your presence and comments. I wish you all a safe journey, Marcel Baaijens