22/38 'Night Time Walking'

Video still: Camino sign; the scallop shell, pointing The Way in Lugo.

I did not feel any better in the morning. Walking was definitely off the agenda, not just for the day, but also for the next few days. I took a bus to the city of Lugo, a bigger, more comfortable and suitable place to stay put for a while and rest. Lugo is an amazing old city that has a its entire roman city wall still in place.

Although I stopped walking, the processing did not. I had intense dreams at night still haunting my consciousness the next morning; a cue for the need to process. So it is not necessary to walk to experience the benefits of El Camino. Maybe the key is that one is on the way to Santiago with the intention of it being a pilgrimage.

Video still: persistant shadow in pursuit.

I believe my Camino started from the moment it presented itself as the vision that came to me some weeks before I left for Europe. It started to have a subtle effect on me from that very moment, wether I was walking, sleeping, flying in the sky or doing something else. It had become part of my consciousness. The effects definitely intensified as I got closer to El Camino just like a magnet.

So even while 'being stopped in my tracks' I am 'walking' El Camino, day and night. As long as I am on my way to Santiago, the 'journey' will continue. It was good to be in a room on my own and not in a dorm of an albergue for the time being, so I could process in private.

Video still: shadow snooping around the walls of Lugo.

In the old days, pilgrims were promised a reduction of their time spent in purgatory by half if they walked to Santiago. Was it a get-rich-scheme invented by the leaders of the church at the time? Was it medieval superstition? Or is there maybe some truth to it? How does a non-medieval-catholic make sense of it all? It all depends how one visualises or interprets the term 'purgatory'. First, I will need to let go of the my simplistic image of what pergatory is, which dates from my childhood, a time when religious education was as readily accepted as truth as the stories about Santa and Paulus de Boskabouter (a famous dutch leprechaun, who was my best friend).

Maybe it is a similar concept as the Bardo in Buddhism. Maybe purgatory represents the time spent after one’s death before recognising the tunnel of Light or Light itself (Heaven, Soul, God...). Perhaps that time is prolonged when unresolved issues are present and keeps one bound to the life that was instead of 'moving on' to wahtever you believe; heaven or reincarnation. Perhaps it does pay off to spend time with unresolved issues now, while being alive and well so you can die well without struggle when time comes. Is that perhaps why we get old and left with so much time to ponder? Time to practice 'letting go' of habits, addictions, mindsets, resentments, etc., before we die.

Video still: where there is shadow, there is light; Camino gate Lugo.

I just learned from looking at Wikipedia that in the west the word ‘bardo’ refers to times when the usual way of life becomes suspended, as, for example, while walking El Camino. It continues by saying: “such times can prove fruitful for spiritual progress, as external constraints diminish, although they offer challenges because our unskilful impulses can come to the fore”, well that's El Camino alright! I have heard people talk about the temptations of old addictions coming back. Some begin smoking again, other resist and overcome the addiction. Are the addictions any different from emotional unresolved issues? In a way they are all attachments to something, be it a substance, food, or the egocentered need to be 'right' about someting or somebody. My pilgrimage seems to provide a stream of opportunities to let go of attachments.

23/38 Tough (Chocolat) Cookies

Video still: letting go of absorbed tears that mourned loss

A dream last night got me in touch with a touchy subject: the perceived lack love in my life. The dream left a strong emotional after taste which I took as a cue that it needed further processing. During an intense long process I became aware that my 'loveless' world was merely mirroring my lack of love for myself. I had been unaware and in denial for a long time about this. Deep down I must have know that something was missing as there was a need to consume comfort foods. At times I can reward myself with something sweet, as a one-off it will not affect me. This was very different, I stuffed myself with sweet stuff. I call it 'stuffing myself' when two, five or even ten cookies are not enough.

Letting ego spoil me with yummy comfort foods gave me a false sense of nurturing, of being 'nice' to myself. In fact I was slowly making myself very unwell. Eating sweet foods or simple carbohydrates is something I normally don’t do as it is detrimental to my well-being. It throws my bloodsugar levels out of balance, which causes, what I call 'hypos', a set of many unpleasant sudden effects caused by hypoglaceama such as; inability to think, overwhelming need to sleep, moodswings, even instant depresssion to name a few.

In Lugo there is a bakery next to a healthfood store. The choice is obvious, but ego can be strong and very convincing at times pushing Soul aside. This process required a lot of letting go and acceptance of the lack of love, acceptance of the loss of love. Once the process was complete, the need for comfort food was gone and making a nurturing choices was once again easy for the time being at least.

I had been so focussed on my emotional baggage thus far that I never recognised the return of my sugar addiction in the midst of it all. My ego came up with a splendid justification for my return to eating sweet foods again that I happily adopted: It was difficult for me to find the 'right', sustainable foods to eat, the predominantly white bread was equally bad and with the high burn rate of calories I thought I was getting away with it. I kind of did, as while walking I did not develop any noticeable hypos or effects, short term that was.

I began to eat quality, dark, low sugar, almond chocolate (I luvvv chocolate) but then moved on to biscuits as well; needless to say they were often coated in (not so high quality) chocolate. They did help to keep my energy levels up, and served as tasty emergency rations when shops were still miles away. But I continued eating them after I stopped walking. I had become addicted again. Hypos became the order of the day while resting in Lugo, as I was no longer burning the sugar as I ate it. Lugo was the perfect safe haven as it provided healthy food options that small towns often don't.

24/38 Worldly Distractions

Video still: Lugo

Struggling a bit to rest and stay put when there is so much to explore, specially when you are within the Roman walls of a pedestrianised city centre where people have priority over cars. They have got their priorities sorted here! The city is throwing a party. It is their patron saint’s festival, a welcome distraction from all the processing I was doing.