23/38 Tough (Chocolat) Cookies
Video still: letting go of absorbed tears that mourned loss
A dream last night got me in touch with a touchy subject: the perceived lack love in my life. The dream left a strong emotional after taste which I took as a cue that it needed further processing. During an intense long process I became aware that my 'loveless' world was merely mirroring my lack of love for myself. I had been unaware and in denial for a long time about this. Deep down I must have know that something was missing as there was a need to consume comfort foods. At times I can reward myself with something sweet, as a one-off it will not affect me. This was very different, I stuffed myself with sweet stuff. I call it 'stuffing myself' when two, five or even ten cookies are not enough.
Letting ego spoil me with yummy comfort foods gave me a false sense of nurturing, of being 'nice' to myself. In fact I was slowly making myself very unwell. Eating sweet foods or simple carbohydrates is something I normally don’t do as it is detrimental to my well-being. It throws my bloodsugar levels out of balance, which causes, what I call 'hypos', a set of many unpleasant sudden effects caused by hypoglaceama such as; inability to think, overwhelming need to sleep, moodswings, even instant depresssion to name a few.
In Lugo there is a bakery next to a healthfood store. The choice is obvious, but ego can be strong and very convincing at times pushing Soul aside. This process required a lot of letting go and acceptance of the lack of love, acceptance of the loss of love. Once the process was complete, the need for comfort food was gone and making a nurturing choices was once again easy for the time being at least.
I had been so focussed on my emotional baggage thus far that I never recognised the return of my sugar addiction in the midst of it all. My ego came up with a splendid justification for my return to eating sweet foods again that I happily adopted: It was difficult for me to find the 'right', sustainable foods to eat, the predominantly white bread was equally bad and with the high burn rate of calories I thought I was getting away with it. I kind of did, as while walking I did not develop any noticeable hypos or effects, short term that was.
I began to eat quality, dark, low sugar, almond chocolate (I luvvv chocolate) but then moved on to biscuits as well; needless to say they were often coated in (not so high quality) chocolate. They did help to keep my energy levels up, and served as tasty emergency rations when shops were still miles away. But I continued eating them after I stopped walking. I had become addicted again. Hypos became the order of the day while resting in Lugo, as I was no longer burning the sugar as I ate it. Lugo was the perfect safe haven as it provided healthy food options that small towns often don't.
